At Haeremai, one of L’Arche Calgary’s homes, care often begins with slowing down. Instead of asking how to stop a behaviour, Assistants ask why. What is being communicated? What is being asked for?
For Ada, a Core Member who has lived at Haeremai for nearly eight years, this way of listening has made all the difference. Ada is autistic, and while she is verbal, she doesn’t often use words to communicate. Instead, she speaks through routine, movement, repetition, and action. When something feels off, she lets people know, just not always in expected ways.
“This is her routine, and she loves to keep her routine,” explains Sui Wing, House Leader at Haeremai. At L’Arche Calgary, respecting someone means honouring how they communicate, not insisting they change to fit others. Over time, Assistants have learned that Ada’s actions are rarely random. They are purposeful, thoughtful, and deeply connected to her sense of safety and independence.
Sui Wing began to notice patterns. “Whenever she opens a door, she is looking for something,” she says. Ada would sometimes enter rooms that were not her own, raising concerns about safety and privacy. Rather than focusing on simply restricting the behaviour, the team chose to watch more closely.
“She’s looking for the nail clippers, she’s looking for her monthly bus pass, she’s looking for a wipe to clean her room,” Sui Wing noticed. Ada likes to clean, it’s part of how she cares for her space and herself. By responding with patience instead of restriction, the team introduced baby wipes she could keep in her room. “She can use as many as she wants,” Sui Wing says. Once Ada had what she needed, the searching stopped.
The same attentive listening reshaped how Assistants understood moments that once felt puzzling. One evening, Ada entered another Core Member’s room while they were away visiting family. Instead of reacting immediately, Sui Wing paused. “I suddenly think that because the Core Member is not around the table during supper time, she wanted to check if the Core Member was here.” Ada had noticed someone missing.
“This is how I found that when Ada went into or opened a door, she has a reason. Every time with a reason,” Sui Wing reflects.
Sometimes, understanding comes from the smallest details. During breakfast, Ada often appeared unsettled, moving around and vocalizing. When Sui Wing watched closely, she noticed Ada always transferred her drink into the same cup. “I found the mark there,” she says. Now the cup is labelled with Ada’s name, and mornings are calmer, a small change that honours her preferences and dignity.
Ada’s sister Kitty has always known her this way. “I always think that she’s a bit of a puzzle,” she says, not something to solve, but something to understand with care. “She likes her pattern… you cannot force her. If she wants to learn something, she can learn it really quickly.”
That patience is what Kitty sees reflected at L’Arche. “We were really impressed, the Assistants spending time with the Core Members,” she says. “It’s a very good environment for her.”
Kitty knows how Ada can become frustrated when she isn’t understood. “If you just tell her, ‘No, you can’t do that,’ she doesn’t understand… she can’t tell anyone what she’s trying to do.” However, when people take time to listen and redirect with respect, “that works best for her.”
At L’Arche Calgary, care is not about fixing or finishing. “Just because Ada has her routine doesn’t mean that she is fixed,” Sui Wing says. When plans change, Assistants write them down so Ada can read them, repeat them, and add them to her notebook. “This is communication,” Sui Wing explains. “She wants to let you know what is on her mind.”
Ada’s story reflects the heart of L’Arche Calgary: a community where people with and without intellectual disabilities journey together, where every voice matters, and where behaviour is met with curiosity instead of judgment.
“Any unusual behaviour hides a message inside,” Sui Wing says.
Sometimes, all it takes is noticing a mark at the bottom of a cup and choosing to listen.
